(Taken from an original blog posted by Jaki on Transformation.com – 8th January 2009)
I heard a sentence on the television, someone talking about Oprah Winfrey, they said that they thought, in her life, Oprah had actually learnt survival tools rather than how to be happy.
My first reaction was one of ‘but she has everything – she has the world at her feet, she can do anything’ ~ and then it hit me like a ton of bricks, it was like someone had said that sentence about me! I have learnt survival tools and I live my days pulling those tools out as I need them and life seems like a struggle so often.
Don’t get me wrong – I am not whinging – I am just admitting and being real. I do have moments in my life when I look at one of my children and laugh with them, or see an amazing sunrise (in fact when I opened the curtains just now and saw the greys and oranges of the sun rising for the start of a new day – I felt blessed) – in those moments it is like there is no time or space – there is just now, just that moment and total peace, total freedom, total joy and gratitude.
Yet those moments are much rarer than I would like them to be.
As a child I learnt to survive others telling me I was useless, a failure, a storyteller, silly, stupid …………… I felt worthless and I did not feel loved, I felt as though I was not good enough, as though I was a problem, a mistake ~ yet I came from a very loving home, with parents that I love dearly and would not change.
Again – I am not whinging and I am not living in the past ~ I am trying to face the past and put it into perspective and loosen its hold on my life today.
My teenage years were not ones that I am proud of, yet they are part of what made me who I am today, so that is OK. I was a single parent and then had three emotionally abusive relationships (in my opinion and based on my interpretation). I finally had the courage to leave in October 2003 and I have been on my own with my children since.
Life has been about survival, I don’t really know how to make it not about survival, I don’t know how to make survival less important. Every decision I make is about survival and I think I forget, or maybe I don’t know, how to make it about happiness.
My tools and programming are so ingrained into my life that I know logically that I need to change those patterns and programs. I need to add something more to them, something that helps me to feel the joy of living and being alive daily.
Suddenly this Transformation is about something else – I want to be happy. I am going to learn to be happy. As I write these words I feel the threat of tears at the back of my eyes, I am not feeling sorry for myself, yet I am fearful of possibility (that may sound strange). I am scared that it might feel good, it might feel freeing and what if I can’t hold on to it. There is this strange fear that it would be worse to know what happiness is like on a daily basis and then lose it, than just to keep on surviving – does that make any sense?
Well I don’t want to just keep on surviving, moving from one struggle to the next. I would like to live and feel free, to share and give, to help others find their inner smile – the one that goes from their eyes to their soul.
Now the realization seems scary and for a moment it made me feel less than again – yet now I realize that I am not less than – I am like so many other people who have a journey to travel, we are all the same – it is just how we choose to view ourselves.
Am I a survivor? ~ Am I happy? ~ Am I at peace? Am I …………………..
I am who I choose to be – I am ME and I am on this journey – I am also not alone – I am here with so many amazing people and I am happy to be real – to be honest – to share my journey. I realize that I have had realisations like this before, I have not taken any steps backwards, they are all forwards and part of the reinforcement that is needed to make these changes lasting.
(Taken from an original blog posted by Jaki on Transformation.com – 8th January 2009)
Love and Light ~ Gratitude and Faith
Jaki :)
© Jaki Bent 2008 – 2015